The news has just been so negative lately about our great state of Alabama and I feel called to offer a rebuttal. I look at women in other states, in other countries, and I am just so, so fortunate to have a happy, safe, healthy life here.
The weather—great. The food—fantastic. The people—so friendly. So friendly! They are always blessing my heart and making sure I get sent to Heaven.
I can almost always exercise alone and I get so much positive attention for my sexy female figure that was made in God's image and chances are small I'll get murdered.
I have the right to vote, even if both candidates are terrible options. I can have my own credit card that lets me pay for inflated groceries but gives me enough points to have a little treat at the end of the month of a micro Starbucks mud blend.
I am a #girlboss babe and I am almost as valuable as my male coworkers who do half the work but get more recognition and salary. Why of course I’ll take notes in this meeting! How kind of you to remember I’m a writer!
I can own my own house! Did I buy it? With all of my own credit and dollars? In this economy? Of course not are you absurd. Homes are for those with generational wealth or if my family helped me with the down payment or if I'm living in a home a family member owns and graciously lends to me.
Where is my husband, every handyman asks? Why, he's at work bringing home a paycheck for this family! I make all the decisions, do all the emotional labor, cook and clean and schedule everything, but you're right he's the figurehead of this household he can tell you where to dump that load of gravel. Don’t mind me you’re right I chose the wrong spot.
I can be a happily married #tradwife as God intended. My purpose is to make babies and make cookies for church and make a living selling leggings on Instagram. Where else but Alabama can I go straight from carline to Pilates to keep my arms looking nice and toned for the women who are always admiring me and comparing me to themselves?
Or I can see the light and get divorced from that useless bubba. Oh, not if I want to file uncontested? Or if I'm pregnant? That's fine I can just abor...oh I can't do that either anymore? Almost anywhere? What happened to *checks notes* Roe versus Wade? It's gone? Ok guess I missed that! So sorry never mind I'll just keep the baby and rely on free healthcare and childcare. Golly, I can't have that either? Ok I'll just have my parents watch the offspring. You’re right you’re right this is how it’s meant to be.
If I don't want to go the traditional route, I can be a strong independent woman who doesn't need a partner to have kids. That's what IVF is for! Not in Alabama? But I am #blessed to have money! Oh, because an embryo is a baby? But didn't they learn in My Body, Myself class in fourth grade that those are just cells? Yes of course they don't have the class.
Ok no biggie there are million kids waiting to be adopted. Yes she is my partner don't you recall me saying I hate men? Oh, she can't be the mom too? But we’re (currently) still legally married in this great state. Yes right the Bible told us so. No same sex marriage. Silly me with my lady brain I forgot the rules.
I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed I’m just going to decompress by laughing along to Saturday Night Live which has absolutely nothing to do with my lif…oh for fuck’s sake is that a Katie Britt sketch for the opening?
Scream cries. Choke laughs. Wild eyes. Snarl smile. You know what actually damn it all to hell I'm out I hate it here.
My thoughts exactly.
This is so fantastic and representative.