It’s been a long minute since I appeared in your inbox. I wish I could say it’s because I quit life, changed my name, and moved permanently to Mexico. The reality is that everything is in shambles and it’s paralyzed me from writing or posting anything at all.
I’ve settled uncomfortably into a weird headspace. Nothing matters—people are yelling about cush first-world problems like gas prices and inflation while kids in the US are losing their right to exist freely as trans or non-binary and kids in Ukraine are being brutally raped and murdered.
But also. Everything matters. How could it not? Life is so fleeting and so why aren’t we doing everything in our power to live the motherfucking hell out of every single day. This dichotomy is exhausting me.
And if I’m being honest, the last optimistic bone in my body was hoping that maybe if I delayed the newsletter, the war would miraculously end and I’d get to write about rebuilding rather than destruction. Alas.
Things have gotten so much worse. Unspeakable things are being reported, being shown. We see images of stuffed animals soaked in the blood of the kids who owned them, watch videos of piles and piles of innocent bodies, hear stories of how girls and women are being gang-raped. And Facebook is still like “wHat aBouT thE RuSSianS nOt AllOWed aT BosTON MarAtHon?” and “MaYBe UkRAine CaUSed ThIs?” It’s just too much.
So anyway. If you pay even an ounce of attention to any news source, you’re seeing stories of cities completely destroyed. And it fucking sucks that this is how the world is getting to know such a beautiful and vibrant country. We’re so much more than leveled buildings and blood-stained streets.
Here’s a little glimpse of what Ukraine was like before the monsters moved in, and what it will be again one day.
Kyiv—Kyiv is the capital of Ukraine, the home of Our Lord and Savior President Zelensky, and therefore obviously the shiny jewel Russia wants most. Fun fact—it’s been around since the 5th century (long before Russia was a twinkle in Putin’s eye), which answers “Who came first, the wonderful Ukrainians or the stupid Russians?” It’s one of Europe’s oldest and most important cities, it sits on the Dnepro River, and it was full of gold-domed churches, great restaurants, and beaches.
Mariupol—This city is unfortunately known as the “Ocean gateway to the Donbas,” which means it’s nestled between Crimea (annexed by Russia in 2014), and the Donbas region of Ukraine, where separatists are waiting to join in and fight alongside the Russians. It was full of culture—universities and theatres and libraries. It was also a place Ukrainians went for beach resorts and the famous Crimean mud baths.
Kharkiv—The old capital of Ukraine for half a minute, this city sits a marathon’s distance away from Russia (hence it being easy to continually attack). It was full of gardens and parks and sculptures and fountains and was home to Freedom Square, one of the largest plazas in the world. It was full of art and music and was home to so many famous poets. If you really want to ruin your day, Google Kharkiv Zoo and read about how the animals are doing (hint: very not well.)
Odessa—Ok I had no idea about any of this before doing research, but Odesa is known as the “humor capital”because the people have their very own distinct sense of humor. They even celebrate April Fool’s Day as an actual holiday and festival called “Humorina.” It was also a very popular resort party town that was compared to Ibiza.
Bucha—This absolutely breaks my heart. Bucha only officially became a city in 2006, so it’s so difficult to find literally anything about it that’s not related to the Bucha Massacre last month. They had a stadium and a railway station, and now they have images that will be seared into the minds of the world forever.
I’ll come right out and say it—I’ve never been to Ukraine. Hell, I barely even know anything about it. Sure I know the cities and regions and history. I know the rivers and the sea and the mountains.
But I don’t really know it, in that intimate way a traveler gets to know a country. I’ve never dug into the nuanced culture of the different regions, researched the best coffee shops and varenyky restaurants, stalked the trails on Instagram.
In my mind, Ukraine was always a country I’d perhaps visit with family (since so many Ukrainian Americans go back “home” and reconnect with the family who lives there). For that reason, it’s always been earmarked as a “one day” trip.
But now what? Has my “one day” window disappeared forever? I feel immense guilt for not making it a priority to go “home”—choosing instead to explore other corners of the world. The family homes I could have stayed at are now gone, lying in the smoking rubble you see on TV. The family I could have reconnected with has either escaped or is fighting, or…yeah. The coffee shops and restaurants I would have enjoyed are in ashes. When the war ends, what will be left? Who will be left?
I’m also acutely aware that I’m mourning something that isn’t mine. My guilt, my grief, my longing to go back in time doesn’t hold a candle to what Ukrainians in Ukraine are experiencing.
But there are no rules to war, and perhaps by admitting my mess of emotions others can relate to how I’m feeling.
Links to Learn More:
Photos of Ukraine Before and After
A Diary You Should Sit and Read